Home-Day 76-August 15, 2021

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, that life’s trials and tribulations happen for a reason, they are sent your way to toughen you up, to forge you in a hot fire so you can emerge stronger..

Man, I should be bulletproof…

It’s ironic, on the 2 year Anniversary of the day I was being rushed over the highway to the hospital for emergency spinal surgery that I ended up back at the hospital on this day. Not for my, but for Darlene.

Darlene is not ok…

She’s a trooper, she’s trying to stay positive and focused, but she’s not ok.

The seizure robbed her of her comfort, it robbed her of her freedom. She is afraid of what might be going on in her body to have caused this thing, she is dependent on me now to get anywhere, her licence being taken away robbed her of so much independence.

The cruelest though, is what the anti seizure meds are doing to her. They are causing her to have headaches and a general feeling of being unwell during screen time. Now, I know to some that wouldn’t be a big deal. BUT for Darlene, she is a graphic designer, her JOB is screen time.

Today, the doctor we saw, took her off work for 1-2 weeks while she recovers from the affects of the seizure itself, and to give her body time to adjust to the meds.

Our world is again in turmoil.

Darlene was FINALLY, after 16 years away from the workforce while she raised out kids, in particular our eldest who is on the spectrum, back to work in the job she was educated in. She was happy in her job, she was doing magnificent work and she was 100% truly happy!

It allowed us to buy a second vehicle and it allowed me the cushion I needed to be able to explore this province, capture as much of it as I could and share it with you all. I had trips booked to multiple regions and had a plan to apply for a ArtsNL grant and publish the collected works in a book.

All gone now…

For no less than 6 months she needs me here…..

So, here I stay, and together she and I will get through this….

We might end up bulletproof, but we will get through this.

This is why I have so much invested in these new NFT’s. Look, I have no illusions, I don’t for one second think I am going to get a five or six figure bid on one of the NFT’s I am offering, it would be amazing, but I’m not buying the new studio yet.

BUT…

If I get three or four figures for them? If I get a patron/collector/buyer who wants to start a collection of these mosaics

It would help myself and Darlene breath a little easier…

Thats why I was SOOOOO excited to see bids on my current NFT today, its not much, but holy shit someone in this new economy of crypto art and crypto currency liked my work enough to put a bid in on it… thats HUGE…. and its a ray of hope in a dreary and worrisome day….

Also, calendar sales are going ok, though, just ok…. I would LOVE to be busier with them, heck, I would love to be busier with the Etsy shop, the prints etc. I would love for a publisher to respond to the multiple submissions I have placed for a book of collected works from my Twillingate residency…

Here’s the cold reality folks, time is running out for me and making this a career, at least, for this year. I am going to have to stop soon and focus on a paying gig, even at a fast food joint, or, shudder, back to retail. It’s not what I want to be at at 50, not when I am so close to the dream, I know it will cause me no end of angst and depression, but if I have to do it, I have to do it. My family is worth it…

I just wish I could give them what they deserve using the talent I know I have. It’s so hard to monetize, the grind of promotion, and applications, and posting, and talking it up is relentless, but I love it, because I am promoting what I love. I am promoting what I am good at, what I believe I was put here to do.

We were so close…. and I know this is a little bump in the road, but we still don’t know what caused Dee to have this seizure, we don’t know if its a sign of something more serious, we don’t know the long lasting effects of this and here’s the thing. To have been on the edge of the dream, Dee working, me evolving and gaining momentum, to be this close…. man… this stings, it hurts, its heart breaking and as much as my heart aches for my missed opportunities, I am crushed for her…

I don’t mean to be a downer, really. There’s a lot to be very thankful for…. a lot…

I’m just scared….

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